My MOTHER
.
---I remember the psychiatrist at General Hospital, bringing his students to hear the story. He began with the usual ammenities, how are you doing?...etc. I started to tell him, when he interrupted and asked me to tell his students, the story of myself and my mother.
---Each time I would tell it, it would get a little better. It had a therapeutic value, in the telling, also.
---I told them that I was born with my hand like this. (I lifted up my hand so they all could see it.) I told them I was pretty sick as a baby, and all that. I could see I was getting to what he wanted.
---I told him it must have been very difficult for my parents to hear they have a son who is NOT perfect - 10 fingers, etc. It must have been a very difficult moment. My parents, especially my mother, BLAMED themselves, for the way I was.
---Anytime I had a hard time with anything, their is a very good chance that this fact was involved, somewhere. I want to make this clear, here - I didn't blame anyone, they blamed themselves.
---My mother was very much the perfectionist-type. She had certain standards that she tried to live up to. Failing these herself, she would help others achieve these. This is NOT a good thing.
---With me, I noticed that we had some kind of ''monkeywrench,'' in our relationship. To her credit, she left me alone a lot, not wanting to make it any worse for me. And she truly, didn't know what to do about the situation, anyway. She was taking many of her cues, from what was happening at the time.
.
---However, the perfectionist thing was there, and I did notice that my brother, Peter, was the recipient of this. While she wouldn't say anything to me, Peter was wrong in just about everything he did.
---I really believe that she thought she was doing the right thing, pointing out what she considered faults, on almost a continual basis, to him.
---Peter was almost 8 years old when I was born. I'm sure those were eight years of hearing how he was NOT quite, ''good enough,'' pretty much, daily.
---My mother, I think felt so inferior, herself, that being so-fault oriented, and clueless to the harm she was doing, thought that she was ''helping,'' Peter, every time she would correct or ''find fault,'' with his behavior. And then, ''letting him know about it.''
.
---The sad thing about it all is that there are a lot of people doing this. It is a form of saving face. The person that you are trying to change, you work on improving. You should, actually, work on why YOU find him so hard to approve of. You should work on why YOU find him unacceptable.
---In the case of Peter and my mother, she was continually trying to perfect him, in hope that one of her comments would be heard and a change would take place, according to how she saw things. Since he reflected her, in someway, she would then benefit by him, ''acting right.'' But, this was all based on the way she ''thought'' things were supposed to be, anyway.
---All she really succeeded in doing was heaping her hang-ups and phobias, on him. Luckily, he was able to get out from some of it, but to this day, I'll bet he carries some internal scars.
.
---I would add that you have to learn to accept YOURSELF, before you can REALLY, accept others. Otherwise, you may work on changing others, instead of working on yourself.
---I remember the psychiatrist at General Hospital, bringing his students to hear the story. He began with the usual ammenities, how are you doing?...etc. I started to tell him, when he interrupted and asked me to tell his students, the story of myself and my mother.
---Each time I would tell it, it would get a little better. It had a therapeutic value, in the telling, also.
---I told them that I was born with my hand like this. (I lifted up my hand so they all could see it.) I told them I was pretty sick as a baby, and all that. I could see I was getting to what he wanted.
---I told him it must have been very difficult for my parents to hear they have a son who is NOT perfect - 10 fingers, etc. It must have been a very difficult moment. My parents, especially my mother, BLAMED themselves, for the way I was.
---Anytime I had a hard time with anything, their is a very good chance that this fact was involved, somewhere. I want to make this clear, here - I didn't blame anyone, they blamed themselves.
---My mother was very much the perfectionist-type. She had certain standards that she tried to live up to. Failing these herself, she would help others achieve these. This is NOT a good thing.
---With me, I noticed that we had some kind of ''monkeywrench,'' in our relationship. To her credit, she left me alone a lot, not wanting to make it any worse for me. And she truly, didn't know what to do about the situation, anyway. She was taking many of her cues, from what was happening at the time.
.
---However, the perfectionist thing was there, and I did notice that my brother, Peter, was the recipient of this. While she wouldn't say anything to me, Peter was wrong in just about everything he did.
---I really believe that she thought she was doing the right thing, pointing out what she considered faults, on almost a continual basis, to him.
---Peter was almost 8 years old when I was born. I'm sure those were eight years of hearing how he was NOT quite, ''good enough,'' pretty much, daily.
---My mother, I think felt so inferior, herself, that being so-fault oriented, and clueless to the harm she was doing, thought that she was ''helping,'' Peter, every time she would correct or ''find fault,'' with his behavior. And then, ''letting him know about it.''
.
---The sad thing about it all is that there are a lot of people doing this. It is a form of saving face. The person that you are trying to change, you work on improving. You should, actually, work on why YOU find him so hard to approve of. You should work on why YOU find him unacceptable.
---In the case of Peter and my mother, she was continually trying to perfect him, in hope that one of her comments would be heard and a change would take place, according to how she saw things. Since he reflected her, in someway, she would then benefit by him, ''acting right.'' But, this was all based on the way she ''thought'' things were supposed to be, anyway.
---All she really succeeded in doing was heaping her hang-ups and phobias, on him. Luckily, he was able to get out from some of it, but to this day, I'll bet he carries some internal scars.
.
---I would add that you have to learn to accept YOURSELF, before you can REALLY, accept others. Otherwise, you may work on changing others, instead of working on yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment